She sat there trying to hide her tears from everyone around her. She didn’t want anyone to notice and offer help. She no longer wanted any help.
She wondered why all of a sudden, she couldn’t keep her emotions in check.
She had always been good at shutting her feelings out. She had excelled at hiding her emotions, even from herself.
But for whatever reason, she no longer could.
In retrospect, she knew that she had put herself in this position. She knew that she was at fault. She knew that no one but her was to blame. It was her own Karma that had come back to bite her in the ass.
Whether it was the age, or that she was simply afraid of being alone, she had somehow, always had someone. A boyfriend, or a crush or a future boyfriend or whatever they had decided to call it then.
But this time, even though she had automatically tried to do that, she realized now that for only the second time in her life, she wanted to be alone.
She was too afraid to let someone in again.
She now knew that even if everything worked out perfectly, something would go wrong. It was just her luck.
In the past, she had never let herself worry about the past. She wouldn’t even think about the past because frankly, who cared. She liked being happy.
But somehow, this time, even if she managed to stop herself from thinking about him every second, she couldn’t help but completely break down when she did.
When she finally talked to him, or thought of him or saw an email from him, even if it was after months, it all came rushing back. Every thought, every memory, every second came back stronger than before. He had been her everything. He had been her lifeline. He had been a part of her.
He knew everything about her and she knew everything about him. They fit perfectly well and she was his, nothing held back.
One word from him brought it all back. One word broke the dam, one word made her happier than she ad ever been.
She knew that she had to be the stronger one, and she knew that she had to walk away, and she tried.
But she knew that when she was happy, she was acting.
She knew that when she was alone, he was with her.
She knew that all she ever could do was hide it all away.
Someday, she hoped, things would be better. But for now, things were as bad as they could be.
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